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Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Blog Dare #1--I was afraid to say....

The Blog Dare on Bloggy Moms

Bloggy Moms has been a nifty website to help get ideas on blogging. I was excited to come across the Blog Dare, which gives daily writing prompts. I may not do every single writing prompt, but it will be fun trying!

This one is probably going to get a little emotional at times:

I was afraid to say.....

.....thank you, I'm sorry, you're right. Things that should have been said to people I cared about, but never could quite show it. To this day, I am still struggling with certain people to let them know how I really feel. Yes, they may have an idea, or do they? My mother-in-law and I had a bit of a struggling relationship with each other. When she got sick with cancer, our relationship mended. I often wondered, "Is it only because she is sick?" I was always afraid to say that thought out loud because I knew deep down it was just because my mother-in-law was all about love and peace. If anyone was hurting, she would fix it. If anyone was angry, she would calm them down. If I had to vent about her son--the man I married--she was quick to say with an amusing smile "I warned you!" The last few months, I made it a point to tell her, "I love you, Mama Leigh!" But, I never truly apologized for being a pain in the ass daughter in law. I admit it! I was a major pain in the ass! Still, certain things she would say would make me think she read my mind. When she told me she will always worry about her son, I was thinking, "Am I that terrible of a wife you have to worry?" As if she read my mind, she finished her comment with "I am so proud of the man he has become. He is a husband and a father, and I admit that is something I thought he would never be since he has so many challenges due to his accident. But, I see the patience you have. The way you keep him going. You are a great wife and a great mom, and I thank God every single day he has brought you into my son's life."

I recall that day greatly! Just a couple days before we had a major disagreement....what exactly, I don't remember, but I just remember a major disagreement. This was actually before finding out she was sick with cancer. We never had another argument ever again. We had more in common than we realized. Both of us were passionate, stubborn, and focused on taking care of our families. We were mothers who had the same worries. We were wives dealing with strong willed husbands. We were our hearts on our sleeves.

Although we had made amends, I still wish I could have one more day to say, "Mama Leigh, you were right! You were right about how no matter how old your children get, they will always be your babies. You were right that we did not need to get this or that just yet." or "I am sorry for all the pain I have caused." Still, maybe she did know...maybe she did not. My husband will comfort me for a brief moment saying that my actions showed how much I appreciated his mom.

June 2012 she lost her battle to cancer. Standing over her grave a couple days after the funeral, I spoke softly as if she was standing next to me. She inspired me to never give up and to fight for all that I believe in and for all that I love. I never really understood what people meant when they say they can almost feel the spirits of the lost loved ones. The moment I closed my eyes and whispered, "Thank you for being not only the best mother-in-law, but being a mom. Thank you for giving me guidance, and most of all thank you for blessing me with the greatest husband any woman could ask for."

As I turned to leave, the breeze picked up and I almost felt the slightest touch on my arm...a moment I never experienced. It could have just been the way the wind was blowing, but it still gave me peace and some closure. Mama Leigh definitely lives in my heart. Her memory lives in her children, grandchildren, and all members of the family. I was afraid to say so many things back then. I cannot hold regret for that. Instead, I just focus on making sure the people I love and care about clearly see they hold a special place in my heart.

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